How to Be an Individual, While Being in a Committed Relationship

25 Oct

Let me start out by saying I had a very hard time writing this blog. It has been a question on my mind for a few months and finally I am able to answer it! I will write this from a woman’s stand point (obviously).

So, how to be an individual while being in a committed relationship? 

I strongly believe that there is nothing wrong with a woman who is independent, self motivated, educated, financially advanced, and has it going on. These women exist and I know that men are attracted to these women by nature. They stand out and they can hold their own. Less work for a man in the beginning, however, this independence must vanish if you expect to be in a serious relationship. Most women who are independent are looking for Keanu Reeves (The One) and are almost willing to do what they can to keep him. They are willing to sacrifice some things except the empire they built or are in the process of building. Women are expected to no longer focus on themselves and begin to focus on their significant other and what they could possibly be, together. You are expected to love unconditionally, practice being a wife, and fulfill your partners dreams of what HIS wife should be. Granted, as a women you may not agree with half of the things he expects you to be and vice versa but you have to compromise. BIG TIME!

I watched a brother give a sermon recently, he goes by the name of Miles Monroe and he literally must have been standing in the room with me and beating me over the head with his words. They were clear as day and just put things into perspective for me. When I realized my role as a woman on this planet I cried. I heard a statistic recently that 83% of black women are single! I don’t want to be a part of that statistic. I don’t like the thought of being a part of any statistic that goes against what I believe. But Brother Monroe read a verse and broke it D-O-W-N from Genesis. Genesis 2:18, “It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him.” Key word there is HELPER not an EQUAL but a helper. It is nice to have a second income in the home, it is nice to come up with great ideas every once in a while but you are solely there to assist. You do not have an identity. You are there to help. I cried a little and I know some are reading this and saying this woman is crazy but to know what I have come to be, this independent woman, but if I want to be his wife one day I must know how to be a wife first. We can grow a business together; he will make sure I am taken care of because that is what God put him on this planet to do. It is in his nature, he was born to do it. So that individualism really doesn’t exist. It is important to keep a close friend around. Sometimes you just need time away. Notice I said friend not plural because gradually you won’t have as many as you used to. Some are single, some are married and if they are married then that is a bonus because you will be able to hang out in groups.

Just the thought of knowing that I can no longer be this independent woman that I aspired to be at one point in my life saddens me a bit. I know that I will still strive to become a doctor one day like I‘ve always wanted and I know that my future will support me and my decision on doing so. However, I know that I want to be a wife some day and sometimes you have to give a little to get a little. Somehow, you end up just fine though. I am not worried I have God on my side!

Also notice the topic, how to be an individual while being in a committed relationship, we are talking about one person here with the word individual. When you become married you become ONE.

Comment on this blog let me know how you feel about it! Agree or disagree? Subscribe on the right so I don’t have to keep forwarding emails all day long!! Thanks!



6 Responses to “How to Be an Individual, While Being in a Committed Relationship”

  1. Yazmeen October 26, 2011 at 7:39 am #

    Wow!!! Please say it ain’t so…crazy thing is I feel that it is and notice that it truly is that way. I almost feel like men even kno that women are just there to assist. I’m sure our independence can still somehow shine thru but it’s the expectations we set for ourselves that really is the thing that nags us within ourselves and I feel like that’s when we become that extra independent person which can overshadow in our relationships and destroy them.

  2. Haasflow October 26, 2011 at 9:24 am #

    She strikes back with another one. This piece right here is amazing. I guess it reminds me of or brings me into clear perspective and understanding that there is still hope in relationship and commitment. The fact of it is that I would like to always remain positive in my thinking pertaining to relationship btwn man and woman. You struck it on the nose…A independent woman is something of power. Something worthful, resourceful. When a powerful independent joins forces with another independent you create one power source. The very few that understand that with two individuals joining to create one union, the present, and future is bright, so bright for them. Unstoppable. When a man knows he has someone on his side through it all how hard can he go out and achieve. The fact that he doesn’t have to worry about the female aspect when he’s out and about is key. He can now focus and put that energy into something beneficial for the union. He doesn’t have to worry about esteem or if he’s worthy for whomever because he has someone. Vice versa. Temptation is huge in this world we live in today but I think the strong union and commitment with God first will allow a continuous union together regardless of the temptation. Women nowadays seem to focus so much on the fact that they dont need a man in their life. I totally disagree. Man needs Woman and Woman needs Man. There is no disputing that for me but a lot of Women and Men also feel like they can just go out and be free. Thats cool but as much as you go along with that notion and believe you are free, your only free and or trapped in your own reality. Getting a little off topic but you place a prisoner in isolation. Thats the killer right there. We all need love. The great characteristics of Woman and the great characteristics of Man is needed together.

    • LJ February 17, 2013 at 8:36 pm #

      I what you say is true that a woman and man is in need of each other. How does that work when one person Me is disfunctional from abuse in the past with men. I have been through threapy but, it sees I am afraid that I was not mean to have a Man around, because of my fear of not being able to be that one in union you are talking about. I want to have a relationship with a man but, doing it right.

  3. arlene October 26, 2011 at 1:28 pm #

    I reminded of the passage “husband love your wives as Chirst loved the

  4. theoneandonlymagic October 27, 2011 at 1:39 pm #

    Well – let me address this paragraph by paragraph, where I do not agree.
    First, there is nothing wrong with a women being independent. Let’s face it she has to be an independent servant of God before a spiritual man would want to be with her. That being said, going from being an independent women to a wife is just a process of stepping into different rolls as a women – if she so chooses.
    As far as no longer focusing on you as a woman – this is the wrong idea. You must continue to focus on oneself because according to 2 Corinthians 5:10 – “we must all be made manifest before the judgment seat of the Christ, that each one may get his award. Your husband cannot represent you before God – he cannot do well and you do badly and he asks God to hook you up or vice versa. You must stand before God as an independent women based on your conduct and get your reward.
    Fulfill your partners dreams – This should not be hard to do if you have selected the right spiritual mate. 1 Corinthians 7:33 says that “the married man is anxious for the things of the world, how he may gain the approval of his wife If his dreams are in line with Gods and yours likewise – you should never have to forfeit your dreams. He will support you in all your dreams cause he knows to make you better is for him to be better.
    As Slick Rick said – Don’t Cry – Dry your Eye – Why are you crying based on what you read from Genesis 2:18 – it is a wonderful scripture for every woman to read and understand. First, let us get rid of the English language for a second because we sometimes miss the true understanding from scripture. The bible was written in Hebrew first – and the Hebrew word for Helper is ‘E-Zer In most of the cases in the Old Testament the word ‘ E-Zer is used with reference to GOD himself saying how he will be a Helper or ‘E-zer to his people. CLEARLY, GOD WAS SAYING THAT HE WAS NOT EQUAL TO HIS PEOPLE. When saying to EVE that she will be a Helper or ‘E-zer to Adam – he was saying just as you mentioned someone who he could compare himself to – someone qualified enough to help him – someone who looked liked him and not the animals Adam just finished naming. Adam could not produce a baby on his own to create a great nation of people – YOU BET HE NEEDED A HELPER. I am a manager at my office and at times, I have to ask my boss to assist me in various projects. He is not my equal – he is above me – yet I am only asking that he be a HELPER – YET SUPERIOR TO ME. Assistance does not make you less than – it makes you needed.
    YOU SAID YOU DO NOT HAVE AN IDENTITY – You must have one – and keep one – When God judges you –he requires that you come before him as your own individual. Now granted if you want to be in a relationship – a trusting, honest, wholesome relationship – NO YOU CANNOT BE A INDEPENDENT – WHICH MEANS TO SELF GOVERN. IF YOU ARE A SPIRITUAL WOMEN – EVEN IF YOU ARE NOT MARRIED YOU CANNOT FOR YOU ARE TO SUBMIT TO GODS RULE – THE VERY DEFINITION OF THEOCRATIC.
    So let us not get these words mixed up – independent – versa individual.
    Addressing your comment about being married and having friends. Well I truly think the word friend is just use to loosely. I keep my circle small – maybe to small – LOL – but none the less – I am not giving props to people if I do not know you like that. Anyway – you do not want me to go there – LOL. Therefore, it is my belief that people seek out what it is we are interested in -at that moment in our life. So if you are married and you are hanging with single people all the time – think about their interest, what they talk about – why are you so interested? The things that are fitting for them to speak on – engage in – are sometimes in appropriate for you. The bible says at 1 Corinthians 10:12 Let the one who thinks he is standing beware he does not fall. So why would you want to constantly be around a situation where your boys or your girls are like – “look at that cutie” and you turn and you look and you reflect on when you were single. However when you are around wholesome people with strong relationships, you will not have to worry about that pressure. Therefore, if you are saying right now – that isn’t any pressure I got me – then let the one who thinks he is standing beware he does not fall.
    Therefore, all in all – it is very hard to be an individual in a relationship. Just think – you have spent a good portion of your life working hard on being an individual and just when you got it perfected, you decide to be a wife. Hey –but as long as it is a choice – no worries. WE SHOULD NEVER LOSE OURSELVES IN OUR RELATIONSHIPS. WE SHOUD CONSTANTLY BE MADE NEW LEARN NEW THINGS – NEW DREAMS AND NEW IDEAS EVERYDAY! – WHEN WE ARE WITH OUR SPOUSE AND AWAY FROM THEM. We need to make sure of one thing – when we grow – share those things with our spouse – for in that way – you will PERFECT BEING A INDIVIDUAL – WHILE STILL BEING A WONDERFUL – HELPER, WIFE – PARTNER – FRIEND – AND HIS ROCK.
    Directly to Ms. NaidieLaLa and the Giant Brain – I say – SEE YOU IN THE FUTURE DOCTOR!

  5. Paige January 5, 2018 at 6:57 pm #

    This isn’t the worst thing I have ever read lol


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