“I’m Not Married, I Just Have A Tan On My Ring Finger!”

21 Apr

Thanks again for reading this past week. This week is definitely going to be a little different. 

Over the last week besides going on a mini vaca, I have been asking some people a serious question: Have you ever dated, messed, slept with a married man or woman? To my surprise 87 percent of the people I asked have. They didn’t seem to care either. As long as they did not know the spouse they weren’t bothered by it.     

This statistic seems a little bit high to me. There are so many questions behind it that I do not know where to begin. This blog will probably be filled with a lot of thoughts so just try to keep up.

Marriage is sacred. I do not know where and when it became a fad to be married and worry about all the things that come along with being married later. But, why would you get married to someone if you only “like” him or her? You can assume that the love will be there later, and that you really care for this individual, and it’s the “right” thing to do. But, why would you even bother to go there? Marriage is supposed to be eternal. It was a vow that was sacred. A vow that you repeated in front of the minister, friends and family that you would “continually bestow upon him/her your heart’s deepest devotion, forsaking all others, keep yourself only unto him/her as long as you both shall live?” Wow!

I do not know whether I should be upset, confused, nervous, or angry. Not saying that every husband or wife cheats on his or her spouse but this is a huge number. I had a conversation with a friend of mine for at least an hour about this and I am sure it could have gone on for another if we would’ve let it. Basically our conversation was more on the confused and nervous side. What happens when we decide to get married one day and our husbands decide to cheat because he just didn’t think the marriage would be what he thought it was? Or what happens when we have our first argument and he decides to “clear his head” then he cheats? What happens if I decided he just doesn’t do it for me anymore and I cheat? What if he just isn’t affectionate, or doesn’t want to cuddle, or takes the cooking, cleaning, and keeping the house in order for granted and just stops coming home during his normal time? Is that grounds for me to say, well okay if he used to come in at 6 and now its 10…could I possibly have time to cheat? Is he cheating? What goes on in a husband or wife’s mind to say okay I want to cheat now?

It can be a lot of reasons, but I want to know why are single men and women agreeing to do so? Is there not enough men and women in the world to go out and get your own? Is the husband or wife approaching you? As Yazmeen mentioned in the blog about insecurities, most men have it hard because they have to do most of the approaching. If this is the case why are women not putting it out there that they are married? I do not care about what problems you have at home you need to stay committed to your husband. Granted it may be the worst situation you’ve ever been in, EVER, and you just cannot deal with what is going on at home. Well then you need to file for a divorce. This is where we grew nervous, because I’ve heard men say this and I’ve seen females do it. You go out and put your best on just to see if you still “got it”. Okay great you still got it, your game has not left and there are still naïve male and females roaming the Earth. GREAT. All the while you have never taken off your ring. Like really? This is attractive? Having someone who you know is taken yet you still want to try to see how far it can go? Its new territory and you decide to just keep it in “jump off” status so why not?

Well what happens when it gets deeper than that? What happens if you grow to love one another and you’re still married? What really happens is one party demands more attention and affection, and I want you to stay the night or can you call the hubby/wifey and tell them you had to work late so you can stay a little while longer? NOOOOOO!  Please do not do this! Once you find out your spouse is doing the same you want to freaking kill them, right or wrong? All of a sudden he or she is your property once again and he/she can’t do what you have been doing for the last few months. How do affairs last years? No one is that naïve to just ignore what’s right under their noses. NO ONE. Especially not a woman! We have this intuition that is definitely like a sixth sense. It is the strongest and the one thing you need to pay attention to at all times. It will never steer you wrong! It’s amazing how it never does but you just know something is up. Now here is another issue about this thing called intuition, you may have the most solid evidence to prove that your husband or wife is cheating but you will never say anything because everything else is good. You have too much to lose, you have children, he is the bread winner, you love your home, you like the life you’ve built, no one can cook like her, she takes care of all the kids, she has the schedule set for the family, she knows when all the bills are due, he knows how to fix all the little electronics, no one will deal with all the bs I’ve put him/her through, well I’m sorry to tell you but this should have all mattered prior to the cheating took place.

I love how when you are gone everything matters in the end. No it should matter all the time. I should appreciate you now, I should have appreciated you before, and I WILL appreciate you till death do us part.

So please tell me why do you want to get in the middle of a persons mess of a marriage? But I just thought of something! What if there is nothing even wrong? Wow. I can’t! See nervous. I do not know what would possess an individual to get married in the first place then. Was it just a good idea to do so? Was it because you were making others happy? Was it because you felt pressured? Was it because people kept asking you when are you going to marry that person in your life? What is it? You shouldn’t do anything especially something so serious as marriage because someone made you. That’s just ridiculous. I understand there are arranged marriages, and we won’t go there, but the last thing I want to hear someone say is that they got married because it was to make someone else happy. That means that you do not have a mind of your own and that you will settle for anything. Never settle. YOU DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO. At least compromise with the other party but never settle. That way both parties get what they want with little cost. Settling doesn’t get you anywhere, it only creates more madness, more problems, and more what ifs, no one wants to worry about all the “what ifs?” You should just want to worry about how to keep your relationship rockin’!!

So please, please, please do not try to get in the middle of the madness, if a man decides to propose to his lady then that means you’re off the market. BOTH OF YOU!! He will only propose if he knows you’re going to say yes. So you’re saying yes to loving one another, you’re saying yes to being together forever, you’re saying yes to being faithful till death, you’re saying yes to all the good, bad and everything in between. So just like Floetry: All you gotta do is say yes! When you say yes make sure you are saying yes to all. It’s okay to say no if you’re not ready. Say yes and postpone the wedding, but don’t keep him/her waiting too long, just make sure you do it right.

So lets paint the picture for my single readers: What if you’re having a night on the town with your friends and a man or woman that you were eyeing all night decides to come over and talk to you? You were waiting for this moment all night long and they ask for you’re number…you see that cell phone come out and as they grip onto the other side of the phone, or they go to grab a drink, or they go to fix their hair, if they are a female, you notice something nice and shiny. What would you decide to do? Do you take that risk and go down the yellow brick road or you dead it right there?  Let’s go I’m ready for this one…

Nadie La La

Follow me on Twitter @nadielala

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21 Responses to ““I’m Not Married, I Just Have A Tan On My Ring Finger!””

  1. lazavia April 21, 2010 at 11:49 pm #

    Sooo deep soo true!! Luv u girlie!!

  2. lazavia April 21, 2010 at 11:50 pm #

    Btw, I’m proud of the young woman you’ve grown 2 be

  3. mia April 22, 2010 at 1:21 am #

    That’s why some women spend so many lonely nights; for all of the lonely nights they caused some women to spend while they were laying up with their husbands

  4. Sarah (Tali) April 22, 2010 at 9:47 am #

    Nadie,

    Your point comes across crystal clear to me (probably because I haven’t been married that long). Part of the issue is defiantly societal. Have you heard of the website ashleymadison.com? It’s a website that is made specifically for married persons to find someone to have an affair with…their logo is “life is short, have an affair”. When I think about it I get sick. How am I supposed to trust my husband when he’s being temped and pressured at every turn….it’s very upsetting.

    Your blog is wooonnnnddeerrfffull love!

    -Tali 🙂

    • princessnadielala May 1, 2010 at 2:17 pm #

      Hi Tali!

      Thanks for reading girlie, I appreciate it more than you know. But let’s talk about this website! I am so blown away! I cannot deal with the fact that there is a website no having an affair! Who does that? She is probably making bank too. I could understand partially how you feel when you say, “How am I supposed to trust my husband when he’s being tempted and pressured at every turn…” its ridiculous. I told you I was so upset, scared, and nervous when I was even discussing it with my friend about this because its so popular that it is like taking a shower. lol. Well not quite but you know what I mean. Again thanks much!

  5. Charles April 22, 2010 at 10:37 am #

    This is def a great blog, you have some great questions on here which had me thinking. It most def catches the attention of the reader cause this goes on everyday in the kind of world we live in.. 2 thumbs up!!!!

    • princessnadielala May 1, 2010 at 2:21 pm #

      Charles,

      Thanks for reading this week. I am glad I was able to do what I love to do most…ehance your mind! It’s amazing because some people don’t think of the things I blog about. All I want to do is make people think and reconsider their lifes decisions.

      Nadie La La

  6. Yazmeen April 22, 2010 at 11:23 am #

    Ok, I would first off like to say thanks for the shout out, I love seeing my name unexectedly lol

    Anyhow, thankfully I never slept with a married man. I try to avaoid married men to be very honest. But you know that some men lie so you never know. Anyways, the ultimate reason why I would never do this, [I know you should never say never but I know this, to many damn men out here that will give you sex freely for that] is because I so believe in karma and I am on a path to a spiritual lifestyle, so I cannot ever see myself attempting to getting involved in a situation like such. I believe in marriage and hopefully will get married one day. I do not want my sins to follow to my marriage because as we all know GOD is a great teacher and will put things in your life to make you learn from. I bet a person would learn to not sleep with someone else’s husband/wife if he/she had that happen to them.

    Ok for those that it may have happened to already and want revenge. Please just let that resentment go because 2 wrongs do not make a right! The cycle does not continually need to rotate, WE MUST STOP IT!

    Another big reason why we have come to this in society is because many things and concepts have changed. This generation has gotten wild and very liberal in alot of ways. One is the way people view marriage. We seem to be so far away from the times where marriage was the result of 2 people falling in love, or when you stuck by your wife/husband thru thick and thin. Another thing we have strayed away from is monagamy!!! SMDH! Sad to say but true. These things go hand in hand and can affect society, hence how we have gotten to this. People sleeping with married folk all willy nilly.

    I am not a person to judge because we are human and that means we are not perfect. So to all that are committing these sins, God will forgive. But you must stop now! He can forgive you but you cannot keep doing the same things. Please care about these fellow men/women households you are destroying. IDC if they are already messed up, let them mess up on their own without a 3rd party to make it worse. Just think, it can happen to you and then what???????

    • princessnadielala May 1, 2010 at 2:37 pm #

      Hi Yazmeen!

      Thanks for returning again this week for another great comment!! Go girl! As far as you never dealing with a married man, kudos to you…I feel no one should but if you have fine, that’s your business but I can’t do it. I love how you are making strides to becoming a more spiritual being. In this day of age you need some type of spiritual body to help keep you steadfast and on track! I appreciate your comments and I know that if you and I keep living the lives that we are leading then there are some little girls out there that I have hope in to do the same! 🙂

      Nadie La La

  7. Deborah April 23, 2010 at 12:07 am #

    WOW!..Nadia this was really interesting to read..and a lot of the relationship talks/problems i can def relate to…and your totally right it is just WRONG!… However, i have a friend that is that single person you described who loves to deal with ONLY married men!…i know horrible…and when speaking to her at times about this i realized its a self-esteem issue that boosts her ego by thinking “i look/i am better than his wife, and thats why he wants me…little does she know…everything he is telling her are basically LIES… but your right feelings are developed and it makes it hard on both the guy and the mistress because its like whats the next step… my friend would get upset when he doesn’t answer her calls, when he’s out spending time with his family, and worse of all he told her his wife is pregnant again which made my friend cry…
    Personally, i blame both parties in this case… a question that i always ask myself when watching that “affair” is…why do married men treat their mistress soo well, to the point that they make them feel like they are the only one?…it freaks me out…
    BUT wonderful blog…keep them coming girl!…

    • Nygirl April 23, 2010 at 6:07 pm #

      Debra I know someone just like ur single friend. He is not the dog, everything is wrong with his wife. If the wife was so bad, y do they still vacation twice a year, have famly functions together. WOMEN to avoid hurting stay away from married
      men. U r helping them stay married,

      • princessnadielala May 1, 2010 at 2:58 pm #

        Nygirl,

        WOW! That is a powerful and true statement, “WOMEN, to avoid hurting, stay away from married men. U r helping them stay married!” Wow! This is so true and I think I mentioned this on some other reply. You are not helping anything they will still do everything they have to do at home. You are an accessory, you can’t feel bad and cry about you. I already instructed you in the blog after this to start your own team!! wow I can’t get over this. I just don’t get how they(men) can act like nothing is even wrong with their home yet, can treat you golden and give you the world but, will always remain in their home. I don’t believe in pretending, if you want to be out then be out!

        Nadie La La

    • princessnadielala May 1, 2010 at 2:41 pm #

      Hi Deborah,

      Thanks for reading and responding to the blog on marriage. I cannot believe your friend though, how can you boost your confidence and self-esteem on this action? I do not understand that. Those men should be ashamed of themselves and I would honestly not want to talk to any of them. How many other women are you involved with? What makes me special? Granted, he is dealing with his wife and yes she may not be handling her business at home but give me a break, her better? No she has the ring, the last name, the everything, he goes home to her every night. When it’s all said and done he will always pick his family over her. I think your friend should stop the madness and come to her senses. Go seek single men and I am sure they will treat her just as “good” as this married man has.

      Nadie La La

  8. Missy pooh April 23, 2010 at 7:35 am #

    Chica this blog is great and it is so true. It is a very scary thing bad enough when u are dating some one special u try not to think of that person cheating or creepy crawling lol but to have to worry about it when your married brings everything to another level.That person couple is suppose to be so deep in love that no one on the planet even matters of. And Yes it is that married person choice yes we have dumb people n the world or should I say america that does not understand the meaning of marriage and will still try. But its up to that married person to take it to that nxt level. And I def feels like after married people read this it will make them stop think about it as martin would say lol. And do what’s best for them. I love you keep this great writing up..

  9. Reef "Beat" Johnson April 23, 2010 at 11:13 am #

    Hey look it is what it is..most of us have been here but most are too shook to admit it…for me it was all about the thrill..the chance u might get caught..I don’t condone it but sometimes things just happen

    • princessnadielala May 1, 2010 at 2:44 pm #

      Mr. Johnson,

      Can you really say it was just the thrill? Did you really enjoy it? Of course you did! You may not condone it but would you do it again? That is the question you need to ask yourself.

      Beat?

      Nadie La La

  10. Christy April 23, 2010 at 11:49 am #

    First I must tell my niece Nadia, I love u and miss u like crazy..

    this is a very touchy topic for some ppl but Im so glad you blogged about it..Single ppl, LEAVE MARRIED FOLKS ALONE..Yeah you can say oh well he/she came on to me or I was curious, or it was an accident I was drunk…Regardless of what the reason is, its up to you on whether you take that number, make that call, and open your legs/pull out your manhood…If it was you being cheating on you would have a fit and want to murder all parties involed…So always look at the bigger picture..Is it really worth losing what you have in the end? or is it worth ruining someones famlily just for sex or whatever it is you do? they are not leaving their spouse for you so never settle on bieng second to the person they will always go home to..get your own “piece”..

    • princessnadielala May 1, 2010 at 2:53 pm #

      Auntie!!!

      I love and miss you more! Thank you so much for your love and support it means everything to me!

      I loved how you asked the question, “Is it really worth losing what you have in the end? Or is it worth ruining someones family just for sex or whatever it is you do?” No to me it is not, and yes it can ruin everything. Think about it like this marriage is eternal, we know that, but some couples spend thousands on weddings, and are you really telling me you want to throw that money away because that’s what you just did. Are you telling me that you could have spent that money on purchasing a house, for your childs future college education, for so many different things. You could have started a beautiful life together yet having sex with one other person because of whatever reason is much more worth it than your husband/wife? Not cool. You made some great points and I appreciate your thoughts! love you much.

      Nadie La La

  11. nightshade130 December 24, 2011 at 3:02 pm #

    Loved this post girlfriend! Tell it like it is. Straight up and nothing in between. I concur with all your arguments. I think that from what I’ve seen, many rush into it for the wrong reasons and only discover the consequences after the deal is set in stone. When you are married, don’t you marry for love? also, I think before people get married they have to seek God to know for sure whether who they’re with right now (during the courting period) is indeed the right person. Some people aren’t meant to be but they always figure out that truth several months or years down the line when their eyes start roaming. Love isn’t a negotiation, it’s a moral, spiritual, emotional contract that cannot be broken, and yet people break it like as if it means nothing. I shake my head at this fickle-minded behavior. This way of thinking breaks families and people lose their sense of worth and self-respect when they dabble in the infidelity zone. Well done with this post.

    • princessnadielala December 25, 2011 at 6:14 pm #

      Thank you so much. It’s one of my throw backs but I loved it too. You can’t be more correct when you say its a covenant that cannot be broken before God. People don’t get it. I was told that the minute you get engaged you are supposed to go through counseling how many people omit that? Probably the ones that get divorced. Granted in the church this.may go.on but I’m sure we are more inclined to stick with our marriages. Thanks for reading!

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